Out of Touch
by Pajah
Summary: When you throw it all away, can you ever get it back.
1. Chapter 1

As I woke up and looked outside this morning I saw two things: the sun is up for another days work and large fluffy snowflakes swirling their way to the ground. I decide this is the day to get off my ass and get outside to face the world. I strap on my winter weather apparel and head out for a walk. The last 5 weeks I have been holed up at the Avery lodge near the Southern Rockies in Colorado. I begin walking and before I know it, I have completed my 3 mile hike into town. It should hurt like hell to walk that far with my prosthetic on but pain isn't something I am able to feel anymore. Not since I threw my life away for a brief moment of something I have no description for. Pleasure? No. Pain? No. Weakness? No. Just a moment of self-despair mingled with a desire to feel something besides anger. Losing control just for the sake of losing control. Was banging Lauren worth it? I lost the 2 things I cared about most in my life: my wife and my daughter. No, it wasn't worth it.

I settle in at a coffee shop and order myself a piping hot chai tea. I plug in my laptop to try to connect to the real world for the first time in weeks. Full of hope I open up my email and search the inbox for one from Calliope. The only e-mails I have are from April. She seems to be my only friend. To all of the hospital I'm a cheating whore that betrayed the Ortho God. To her – I'm a friend in need. April is asking when I am coming back. Nobody knows where I am except her and Jackson. They offered me the place to retreat to and after getting the cold shoulder from Callie for 37 days I took them up on their offer. I was only able to see Sofia 3 times in those 37 days and it was destroying me.

Most would think that being out of contact with everyone you know for 5 weeks would be lonely. But I'm not alone. I have my thoughts and there is plenty to think about to pass the time. What would I return to anyhow? Silence and my daughter that I am not allowed to see. Hardly seems worth going back for. If not for Sofia I would have been long gone by now. Mark always said that when things get hard, I run. He had me pegged pretty well. I have thought about the option of returning to Malawi or anywhere that would take me. However, I adore my daughter and will go back and fight for my girl. She won't feel abandoned.

I e-mail April back and tell her I will be home next week. I will talk to Owen and let him know of my plans. I will attempt to talk to Calliope and start my campaign back into her good graces. I'll tell her I'm done with hurting her and I wish her nothing but the best. The same cannot be said for me. I know I do not deserve the best or happiness. I had both and selfishly threw it all away. I decide to pack up my computer and head back to make lunch. As I go to unplug my computer I hear a beep that indicates a new message. I assume it's April so I check.

From: Calliope

Subject: Where Are You?

I don't know where you are or if you are ok. I do know that I miss you

What the hell do I do now…


	2. Chapter 2

What do I do now…

My breath hitches and my heart races at that first glimpse of the e-mail. I note the time sent was 3:42 am and wonder if she stays up at night thinking of me. Does she miss me enough to want to try and repair what I have destroyed or does she just miss knowing where to find me? Maybe she just wants to know who I am with, not necessarily where I am.

I gave April permission to tell Calliope that I was gone, if she happened to notice my absence. I wrestle with the thoughts in my head now. Do I message her back? Do I tell her where I am? I have had a lot of time to think about myself and my life these last weeks. I realize that I need to fix myself and try to avoid hurting anyone anymore. This e-mail has made me realize that I don't know if I want to see her. My first thought wasn't joy but panic. This can't be a good sign.

I decide I am not going to message back. Let her wonder a little bit about me. Maybe she will get a taste of what I have been feeling. Not knowing where my daughter is or what she's been doing.

I would be lying if I didn't admit how much I miss her though. Her touch lights my world on fire. Those mocha lips send chills up my body when they are ravaging my body. Nobody has ever made me so wet with desire as she has. The way her body curves in all the right places. The way her eyes used to burn through me when we would go out dancing. Those nights always ended up with long, sex filled nights that left with no doubt that we belonged to each other.

I know I want to and need to go back to see Sofia. I spend the afternoon drinking wine by the fireplace and contemplating my next move. I call my mom and tell her about the whole messy ordeal. Until now Barbara and the Colonel have had no idea what's been going on. I have been living in a charade. They are astonished at my actions and cannot believe I would betray my family like that. I explain that I never thought I was capable of such betrayal. I lose total control while talking to my mom. I break down and cry and sob and yell. Mothers always know when their babies need them. She insists on coming to see me and I agree.

I have a week left here before heading back to Seattle. I'm excited to see my mom and wait for her text message to tell me her plane has landed. I take a picture of the directions from Google maps and go to send it to her. As I hit the attach photo button, a text comes in the same time. This causes the photo to attach to the incoming message. I hit send before I realize what was happening. I see what I have done and shake my head at myself while smiling. I'm certain I have sent that photo to April, as she has been the only one messaging me besides my mom.

In a matter of seconds, my mood changes. Calliope has sent me a text: "Hey Zo - Can you please let me know if you are OK? Sofia has been crying for her mama at night and I realize what a jackass I have been by not letting you see her. I'm still super pissed at you but our little girl wants to see you. I'm willing to let that happen but you have vanished and I don't know where to find you. Maybe you are with her – I don't know. Maybe I don't care. I don't know… If you could squeeze her into your new busy life, she would appreciate it I'm sure. Let me know if you wanna see her."

That's the message I attached the directions to. Shit! Is Callie going to show up here? Am I ready for that to happen? Would she bring Sofia? What the hell have I just done?


	3. Chapter 3

All I can do is wait and see if Calliope messages me back, or worse. After reading the tone of that last text message I have no clue how she will react to a picture of directions to my whereabouts. There was certainly no invitation attached. She may just show up. I'm not sure I am ready for that.

I resend the message to my mom, and she arrives at house 45 minutes later. When I see her, the floodgates open, I run out to greet her and melt into her arms. A sobbing heap, that has been waiting for permission to fee l sorry and just let go. We head in and crack open a bottle of wine that turns into 3 bottles and a large amount of delivered Chinese food. We chat about everything except Callie. We rehash childhood memories, chat about Tim, talk about what dad has been up to, recent news events, and dance to some Fleetwood Mac. Avoidance perhaps but necessary therapy.

Morning comes, along with a looming hangover. I let mom sleep in as I go about making bacon and banana pancakes and a massive pot of coffee! Nature may be our only remedy today so we decide to take an afternoon walk in the nearby conservation area.

Reality hits home now as talk turns to the shambles of my life. I try to explain that what I did has nothing to do with how much I love my wife. Every time I looked in the mirror I saw someone of no value. Who wants a person that can't even love themselves. I saw myself as a shell of what I was before. I lost all of my identity. I never felt whole after the plane crash. Arizona died out there and just bits of her made it back. Those bits were insecure, scared, angry, sad, helpless, lonely and dangerous. They were able to destroy things I loved and chase everyone I cared about far away. They turned me into someone I was ashamed to be. Every part of my life turned complex. Nothing was simple anymore – not even taking a shower. Nobody would deny that Lauren was attractive. I was flirty when I shouldn't have been but that's been something that Callie and I both did and laughed about later. We would go home and talk about how everyone wished they were as happy and secure as us. Lauren saw me as a whole person and maybe she preyed on my weak mind at the time. The blame is still all my own. My mom understands why what happened may have happened. She 100% doesn't agree with it but she sees all sides. She also understands why Callie was so devastated.

Mom and I have worked up an appetite and had into town for a steak dinner. After gorging on food and wine – the latter perhaps being a mistake – it was time to head home.

 _10 minutes earlier:_

" _Come on mija. Let's go ring the bell and see if Mama is here"_

 _Sofia takes Callies hand and runs up to the door. Callie rings the bell and waits before ringing it again. After no answer they go around the back to see if Arizona is around. Upon looking in the kitchen window Calllie sees multiple wine bottles, 2 glasses, Arizonas laptop, and a jacket she knows does not belong to Arizona. Thoughts flood her brain. Who has Arizona been drinking wine with? Is Lauren here?_

" _Well Sof, it looks like Mama is doing just fine without us. Let's go back to the hotel and have a swim ok? Mama's been busy with lord knows who"_

 _Callie and her mini me head back to the rental car and are about to pull out of the drive._

Present Time:

As I am slowing down to pull into the house, I see a car waiting to leave the driveway. I slow right down to see if I can determine who is driving. I look in the window and see stunningly beautiful, dark brown, tear filled eyes staring back at me. My heart leaps into my chest as I recognize that Calliope is here, in Colorado. She rips out onto the road and speeds away. Without even thinking I turn around in the lane and peel out after her. Part of me can't believe she is actually here. Part of me is thrilled and yet the other part is terrified.

She pulls into a hotel parking lot, and gets out of her truck. I'm right behind her and I jump out of the jeep. Callie hollers at me: "Don't bother Arizona. Just go back to drinking wine with your new mountain girlfriend. Sofia and I are going to be just fine without you. Maybe I should come introduce myself as your wife to your new hussy. "

Callie storms over to the jeep and races over to the jeep, passing me as I run to the truck

"Oh Sof, mama has missed you so very much. I'm going to give you the biggest hug"

Callie rips open the passenger side door in a rage. "Listen bitch, I don't know what Arizona has told you but she is married and has a baby. Oh - hi Barbara"

"I prefer Barbara or mom to bitch that's for sure. Hello Callie. Arizona as told me everything and you ladies need to talk. If you want to speak to each other in a civil manner I will take my granddaughter for ice cream. If you are going to scream at each other and hurl insults, we will be going back to the house – alone. What's it going to be? "

Callie and I look across the parking lot at each other and we seem frozen in time. I look at her and see how sad she is. Like a wounded animal she looks far too thin, and ready to fight. I know I have been the one to tear her existence apart – perhaps beyond repair. Now that we are in the same spot, how can we even begin to patch all the holes in our relationship.

We are so out of touch …


	4. Chapter 4

Can we actually have a civil conversation with each other? The last time we did that was months ago. Our talking has consisted of barbed insults, one word answers, screaming and they always end with one or both of us storming away. What happened to the woman I could tell all of my secrets and dreams to. We would spend all night making love and talking about our lives and what we saw as our bright futures. We affirmed with each other how much we desired and loved each other.

I used to look in her eyes and see lust, adoration, admiration, and my future. Now I look into those same eyes and I see hate, fear, longing and sadness. I look over at Callie right now after hearing what Barbara had said to her. I know what I want. I pause a moment, take a deep breath, swallow hard and begin to speak.

"Callie, can we go back to the house and talk please? I really need you to make an effort to hear me out. I know I have hurt you and our family beyond measure. I know that I may not deserve another chance. I also know that I have to try and right my wrongs. I have to try and make amends somehow. Can we please try? This is me begging you, again, for a chance. I have missed our daughter, and you may not believe it but I have also missed you so much. We need to come to some sort of courteous agreement for the benefit of Sofia. I know you are probably thinking that I ran again when it got hard. I didn't run from you because I wanted to. I wasn't able to breathe without you, and Sofia every day. Seeing you at work and not being able to touch you or even speak to you was killing me inside. Looking at my daughter through a glass window like I was in a prison was more than I could take. I went to a very dark place and was having very dark thoughts. I had to go find fresh air and time to evaluate what I had done and understand how I could have been so stupid. I ran from myself. So, please Calliope – please let me try to help you understand me the way I have come to understand me. Please just talk to me, or at least listen." Tears are slowly streaming down my cheeks as I wait for what seems like an eternity. I can do no more at this point. I have put myself out there, admitted my faults, and bared my soul to her. The proverbial ball is in her court.

Callie wipes her teary eyes with the back of her hand and takes a deep breath of air. She turns around to my mom and embraces her in a hug. They have always respected each other as women and mothers. Barbara had become like a mother to Callie after her own mom had disowned her. Taken her under her wing and loved her nearly as much as she loved me. Callie walks slowly towards me, looking right into my eyes and soul. Her eyes never leave mine. I match her stare and my heart is racing as she approaches. I can't read what she's going to do. Taking a step back I allow her to pass and lean into the truck. She takes our daughter out of her seat and hands her to me without saying a word. I have to hold in my tears because I don't want Sofia to see me cry. I squeeze that little girl and take in her sweet baby smell. I mouth the words thank you to my estranged wife. She nods her head in acknowledgment as tears continue to make tracks down her cheeks. My mom comes over and says hi to her granddaughter. She takes her from me and walks away, leaving Calliope and I alone. They say silence is golden but in this moment it feels anything but. I conclude that this is my mess and it should fall to me to get this ball rolling.

"So Calliope, are you ready to talk to me?"

Callie answered me in a sarcastic yet quiet tone. "I'm standing here aren't I?"

"Yeah and um obviously not too happy about it either…"

"I'm sorry not to be thrilled. It wasn't exactly on my bucket list to confront my wife 1250 miles from home about her cheating with some blonde whore in an on call room while I was busy saving lives and wondering if she was ok. That's not something I ever dreamed I would be doing. So please pardon my lack of enthusiasm in this moment. I'm in shambles Zo. I'm tired, angry, heartbroken, miserable, depressed and so very confused. So yeah let's chat because…"

"Callie, just STOP! I'm tired of the fighting. I'm not doing this. I'm not allowing you to yell and degrade me anymore than you already have. I have done that enough to myself. That shit is done! Got it? Especially with Sofia around. If you wanna talk, let's do it. If you don't want to, go home and I'll be back next week. "

Callie drops her chin and starts to let go of her feelings. Her chest heaves with sobs as she reaches a breaking point. She buckles down to her knees and that absolutely breaks my heart. I don't know what I can do for her at this moment. Longing to hold her and hug her – tell her we are going to be ok. Knowing that she doesn't want that is hard for me to swallow.

I just can't handle any more of this stress. I hear Arizonas voice but I don't hear the words. I just start to cry over my losses. My wife is gone from me, my little girls mama, my happiness, my essence of being. I don't know what else to do but cry. I want to talk but I am just still so angry and sad. I know that I have to stop being so vicious to her but it just spills out.

All of a sudden I feel it - her hand over mine. She is kneeling beside me and holding my hand. It's a warm feeling over my cold hands. I let her hold my hand for a moment because it does feel good. She takes my elbow and gently guides me up to my feet. I drop her hand and look up into her radiant blue eyes. I see her tears running down her face too. As much as I want to hate her, I can't stand seeing her like that. I know that I need to hear her out for the well-being of our daughter.

"Calliope…hear me out. I have an idea. How about you and Sof come with mom and I back to the house. There are more than enough rooms and I have food for an army. We can have breakfast as a family, and in the afternoon we can have a conversation that doesn't involve yelling. Mom can take Sofia to the library for some story and craft time. Baby steps ok? I have a lot of things I want to tell you. What do you say? "

"Arizona, you have to know that my family has always been a priority to me. I am willing to try and have this talk. I believe that you are sorry but know that a conversation doesn't fix any of this. I didn't deserve any of this. I will take you up on your offer because Sofia has missed her mama. Right now I need a shower and a good nights rest. Let's go find our daughter and get her to bed too. Tomorrow is going to be a challenge for me. I'm ready to hear you out and possibly fight for us. Time will tell Zo, but I'm ready to listen. That's all I can promise"


	5. Chapter 5

I wake up and I feel more rested I have felt in weeks. Sun is streaming in the windows of the bedroom and I am sprawled out on this massive bed. I hear birds singing outside my window, but that's all I hear. My thoughts quickly turn to my daughter. Why don't I hear her? What time is it? I jump out of bed and throw some clothes on. Upon opening the door I hear a sound I never knew I missed so much - laughter. I haven't been able to laugh for months. I haven't felt like I had the right to. I can hear Arizona laughing as Sofia sings Wheels on the Bus. There is lots of clapping and laughing from all 3 girls in the kitchen. I stand there taking it all in. Where did we go wrong together? I loved my wife and our little family so damn much. Now as I stand here I begin to evaluate what role I may have played in this mess. It's obvious that Arizona loves our little girl so much and I can't believe that she would jeopardize their relationship. Then again, I never thought she would do that to our relationship either.

I'm brought out of my daze by a soft voice and hand on my shoulder. "Callie honey – are you going to join us? We have been letting you sleep but if you're ready I'll get the pancakes going". I look into my mother in laws face and see her smile slightly. "I want to thank you before you go downstairs. I have seen my daughter genuinely smile for the first time since I got here nearly a week ago. That little girl is her world and trust me when I tell you that she has missed you both terribly. We have dissected over and over again all that has happened since the plane crash. I believe that when you finally have a truthful conversation, it's going to hurt like hell. It's either going to bring you together or rip you to shreds. But I also believe that's when the healing will start. Whether you end up together or not isn't even the priority. You both need to be open and ready to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly in order to start forgiving. That's the end goal here Callie – forgiving. It's often the hardest thing that a person has to do. It's also the most rewarding. I have forgiven a lot over the years. It's another patch in our quilt of life. There's great honor to being able to forgive. It's putting someone or something before yourself and it can be a very noble act. So, let go downstairs shall we and have breakfast with our girls." Barbara extends her arms and gives me a short hug. I smile at Barbara. "I see where Arizona learned to give such good speeches". Taking me by the hand we head downstairs for breakfast.

The meal starts out with tension between Arizona and I but as time progresses we end up having a good time with our daughter. We can't help but laugh when Sof pours maple syrup over her head. It does feel good to be together and not be focussed on negativity. Long glances are stolen towards one another. We both realize what is going to happen this afternoon and neither of us is looking forward to it. After a little bit Barbara and Sofia head down to the library, leaving us alone for the first time in a long time. Arizona suggests we talk in by the fireplace. She makes us tea and the time has come. It's time to lay everything out and see if we can salvage any kind of relationship".

I hear Arizona start talking in a small , quiet voice. "Callie? Are you feeling ok about this? I just want to make sure that you are comfortable in the situation and you don't feel forced. This won't work if either of us has reservations."

" _I thought a lot last night Zo. I am ready to make an effort to hear what you have to say. I make zero promises on the outcome. I don't know how this is supposed to start…"_

"No interruptions. No yelling. Just 2 adults doing their best to have a respectful conversation, without tearing each other apart."

" _O.K. – I'm ready. I want to start this off by saying that I am so very sorry that I used Sofia as a weapon against you in this fight. It was selfish of me and harmful to the both of you. I was so mad at you and I knew that keeping you from her would hurt you. That's what I wanted after all the hurt I was feeling. I wasn't thinking about how much she would miss you and by the time I did – you were gone. And now, I'm not even sure I'm angry anymore. I can't even feel anything anymore. I'm just sort of numb and the fact is that I will likely get over this. It may even be soon but that doesn't make it hurt any less right now."_

"To be honest with you Callie, I miss you. I miss you every fucking minute of every day. And the worst part of it all is that you can't even imagine how pathetic that makes me feel because I don't even know if you miss me back. After this crash, I never felt whole again. I know why you cut off my leg. After all this time, and maybe even the whole time, I understand that I would have died otherwise. But understanding that doesn't fix the fact that it's gone. I no longer felt whole, felt desirable, felt sexy or felt worthy of you. I believed you deserved better. I felt more broken on the inside than I appeared on the outside. I feel as though all my veins are tangled up in knots and my ribcage is about to explode. I felt so sad, but not the kind of sadness where you cry all the time. More like the kind that breaks your heart and leaves your body exhausted. So tired but afraid to sleep because the sadness invades your dreams too and you can't escape. I can't remember ever feeling not broken. I was exhausted by trying to be stronger than I felt. Is any of this making sense?"

Arizona moves to sit beside me on the couch. She looks right into my eyes. Her tears begin to slowly escape her sad eyes. She makes no effort to stop them falling down her cheeks and down onto her neck. They are large tears and the sight of them tightens my throat. She is showing vulnerability and I know that for her, it's tough to do. God, I cannot hate this woman no matter what she has done. This sad sight before me breaks my fighting spirit.

" _Why sex Arizona? Why with her? When I had been trying to show you how much I still desired you, how I still found you the sexiest woman on the earth. That's the thing I do not comprehend. I showed you the physical want and you turned me down time and time again. Boswell rides into town and it takes 3 days to get in your pants." I feel my voice rising so I stop and take a deep breath._

"I think that I thought you were being the good man in the storm. Staying with my crippled self out of loyalty, and guilt. How could you love this person when the older version was so much more confident and ...whole? I know different now but I was so skewed in my vision of what I was to you. When that moment of honest flirtation, which we are both known to do, turned into a seduction – I bent. For a few minutes I felt like I was something to someone, not out of obligation, but out of a place of pure wanting. She cornered me in an on call room and tried kissing me. At first I pushed her back – but then I broke down and tested if she really wanted me. I sure you don't wanna hear the rest."

" _Actually, if this is going to work, I do. I need to know everything. What did she do to you? How could you do it?"_

"I couldn't really. Our tops came off but when she started touching me in the dark, I turned the tables. I took control and never gave it back. I did all of the touching. It was 5 minutes at most. I touched her until she cried out my name. That snapped me out of it and I stopped as quick as I started. I never orgasmed with her. I never even got wet because I think my body knew it wasn't you. My heart knew it wasn't you. I grabbed the nearest scrub top and came rushing out to find you. I would have told you what happened in time. Calliope…it takes a strong heart to love. It takes an even stronger heart to keep loving after it has been hurt. Please tell me that you have a stronger heart. I have loved you ever since you threw me that surprise party. Maybe even before then. I will do whatever you want me to do. I will give you whatever time you need. I read a quote the other day: You're never too broken that you can't be fixed, but you can't be fixed unless you're ready to be repaired."

" _Zo, I can't sit here and pretend to forgive you and say all is well. We have both changed since the crash. We are different people. I have an idea though. Let's start over. Can we be strangers again? Let me introduce myself to you in a bar bathroom. Let's come up with new inside jokes and new memories. Let's just see if we can give each other a second chance. The love I felt for you was stronger than anything I had ever felt before. Maybe it's gone, but maybe, just maybe it's not. We will try for Sofia and for us. We owe it to her to find a way to move on from this in whatever capacity we can. We take chances because we just never know how perfect things may turn out. I heard once that true love has a habit of coming back when it's right. What do you say Arizona…are we worth it?"_

"Callie…I'm so scared. How will we know if it coming back? How will I know if you can love me again?

I looked at her and gave her a mischievous little smile. I leaned in and gently kissed her cheek. I heard her gasp slightly and hold her breath. I pulled back and looked right into those big blue eyes.

" _I think you'll know_ _"_


End file.
